BOY

For those of you who haven't' heard, we are having a BOY! That's right ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, impregnators of all ages. Timothy Allen, this mild mannered reporter from the city of Motropolis....sorry....I mean this kind of hyper banker guy from Bountiful has done it. He has created a male fetus so manly that when the ultrasound technician looked to see the sex of the baby she said, and this is a direct quote mind you, "Wow....its a boy!" That's right. She actually said Wow. So manly was this child that the nurse, who I am sure sees thousands of babies of year, used the word Wow. In the words of the great thinker Homer, who has contributed so much to the world of thought and mind bending philosophy, upon finding out that his unborn child was in fact a male..."and what a boy!" It was Homer Simpson and what he was actually looking at was his sons umbilical cord but oooohhh do I know how he feels.

With the visit to the hospital and other doctor visits it made me realize just how much Heather, Charley, and I have been in the hospital. Last year Heather had Charley, then had to go in for surgery later in the year. Charley had to have tests done to try to figure out exactly why so is such a mini. (obviously everything is going great and nothing was wrong because she is growing and developing great and now walking) And to finish out the year on a high note, I had my appendix out on Christmas Day. Each visit was basically the same. No matter what hospital you are in or what you are in for it all kind of feels the same way. The exception for me was when I went in for my appendix. I think I will share that story. Mainly cause I can and you can't stop me.

For the few days leading up to Christmas I had been feeling a little uncomfortable in my lower stomach. I figured it was indigestion from something, or everything, that I had eaten over the holidays. Christmas morning however I started waking up every hour on the hour and the pain kept getting worse. Before I know it my in-room nurse Heather had me jumping up and down and pushing in and out on my all ready sore stomach. I don't know if any of you have ever jumped up and down at 3 am, on Christmas, while grunting every time you hit the ground due to random stomach pain but I highly recommend it....good times.

So since Heather was convinced at this point that it was in fact my appendix we headed off to the hospital at 5 am to celebrate the Holiday. After a series of tests and hanging out in an empty emergency room the doctor ordered a cat scan to make sure that I did have an inflamed appendix.

Everyone who has had a cat scan please raise your hands. For those who haven't its important for you to know that it is not enough for them to simply put you under a large, rotating machine that looks at your innards. First they start you off with a lovely beverage, of sorts, and give you a time fram of forty-five minutes to drink it. That should have tipped me off right there that this was going to be bad because if you ever have a time frame in which to pound something down, it automatically means it is going to tastle like dirt. This beverage was basically a milky white substance in a 20 oz bottle that says Orange Flavored on it. Drinking this was like shoving down ground up chalk mixed with water and milk flavored with an expired orange Gatorade powder. Fear factor had nothing on me. By the time I finished the one bottle that took an entire half an hour to drink thanks to a little thing called a gag reflex and having to get over it, I thought the worst had past, tell the nurse brought me seconds. I kept trying to get Heather to pour some of it down the sink or put it in the garbage can but she said she wouldn't be an accomplice to a crime. I told her the real crime was forcing me to drink that crap and she said to stop being so dramatic.

So off to the cat scan where they laid me on the table with the Star Trek Cat Scan machine hummed and whirled. Where they inject iodine into your body which makes you feel warm from head to toe and had convinced me that I did in fact pee my pants. Then the ship you up stairs to wait for a doctor to tell you that it is inflamed and your surgery is going to be at noon. I told them that we knew the appendix needed out and that they were just being vindictive by making me drink that crap.

So the surgery went great. I woke up a few ounces lighter and couldn't believe when I got up and walked around how empty the floor was. There were only a few rooms occupied and it didn't dawn on me at the time that they were all filled with women. Women who up until a few hours ago were pregnant. All of which had given birth and were now on the recovery floor.....oh crap......this is the maternity floor. GREAT! The staff figured since it was Christmas and there was no one in the hospital it would be easier for the staff up there to watch me. I guess in a way I did give birth. They took my baby away and I never really got to bond with it but they can never take that proud feeling away of having brought a life into the world.

Luckily for me this day did have a good ending in that I got to head home around 10pm and spend an hour or so with Heather and Charley on her first Christmas. If anything it will be a memorable one. I could have done with out my sister Kim video taping the whole thing, the maternity ward, or drinking Satan's cat scan potion, but being able to open presents with my little fam. made the whole day worth it.......and all the morphine.